May Pitch+250 Finalist – The Good Demon

by Jan Lewis

Name: Ryan Hill
Title: The Good Demon
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

Pitch:

Six years ago, Bartholomew was sentenced to the seventh circle of hell because of a failed coup. When Lucifer suspends his punishment to find the Shard of Gabriel, a powerful relic that gives one the knowledge of God, he sees his chance for escape.

Bartholomew’s confidence is tested when he’s forced to partner with an angel. There’s nothing like a heavenly chaperone to drain the fun out of being a demon.

The search for the Shard leads the unlikely duo to go undercover at high school. There, Bartholomew experiences a hell unlike any other: life as a high school senior.

First 250 words:

The nerve.

One minute you’re in hell, minding your own business, getting your ass pummeled by every demonic being that fancied a go, and the next you’re shown the door and back on the ethereal plain without even the common decency of being escorted out by security. At least they could have warned me about the transfer first.

I opened my eyes. I was in a dark alley, completely naked. I coughed, emitting a small black cloud from my lungs. Every inch of my body felt like it’d been put through a meat grinder then nibbled on by a thousand cockroaches. My stomach was sick and heavy, much like it would be the day after eating Tex-Mex. Even my bones vibrated like a tuning fork. What was I doing back on Earth? Obviously someone had sent me here—you don’t suddenly get excused from a sentence in hell, even for a short frolic in the mortal world to stretch your legs. And especially not with a sentence like mine. I’d tried to take down Lucifer and failed. It took everything I had to keep them from adding an endless Highway to Heaven marathon to my punishment.

No, someone had struck a deal to get me out. But who? And for what?

Not even the chalk message on the brick wall provided a clue:

Bartholomew. Take the bag and clothes. Go home. More details to come.

That’s it. No name, no date, nothing. I didn’t even know the year.

Jan Lewis

Jan Lewis writes YA fantasy of the contemporary and traditional varieties. She lives in Oklahoma with a husband, two kids, two cats, a dog, and a mother. Instead of unpublished, she prefers to call herself pre-published. While she enjoys drafting, her heart is truly in rewriting and editing. She loves ladybugs, fairies, blue roses, cats, musical theater, and pretty much all things geek.

Post © Jan Lewis and/or Adventures in YA Publishing. All rights reserved.

Posted: May 21, 2013

Category: Imported from AYAP

Tags: #contests

Welcome to Transmedia Mutts

Yellow origami dog on a teal background

Unleash your creative bark!

Shout out to AYAP!

Logo for Adventures in YA Publishing

Thank you to the women who started Adventures in YA Publishing and ran it for years. AYAP and TMM have merged to form Adventures in PUPlishing, and the legacy AYAP posts are now part of TMM. Click here to learn more about the earlier AYAP team.

Click to Join our Facebook Group

Share advice, practice pitching, celebrate successes, and support each other through writing and publishing adventures.

← Previous: May Pitch+250 Finalist - The Drink and the Wheel Next: May Pitch+250 Finalist - Whiff →

The first slide is an animation of a science/magic room in a castle. A cartoon character of a mad-scientist looking man in in the foreground says: “Hello! Dr. Frankenstein here to say, Well Done on kid lit zombie week! I’m an expert at reviving the dead, and let me assure you, with a little spark, you can bring dead projects to life. Especially if you dig up parts from other dead things. I’ll even let you have a sneak peek at my laboratory’s store room to consider potential parts for your dead project. If you see something with a yellow glow, that means you should click it. Have fun!”

He points to the right side of the screen and a new scene slides in of a castle science/magic storage room. There are various cartoon Frankenstein body parts scattered around. Some of them have a yellow glow. If you click on them, the images below appear (I’ve added alt text to them, so I hope it works).

The Heart of your story is the main character. The protagonist is the beating core that truly brings your story to life. If your MC doesn't make kids (and their grown-ups) care within the first few pages, your story will flatline. </p>
<p>Your main character needs to be:<br />
• Relatable enough for kids to see themselves<br />
• Unique enough to stand out in the slush pile<br />
• Active enough to drive the story<br />
• Memorable enough to survive multiple readings at bedtime</p>
<p>Where do you find this amazing donor heart? It might be the very thing you loved so much about the manuscript you want to revive. It might be the younger sister from your shelved YA novel. Or maybe it’s the hilarious kid you blogged about meeting at a school visit. Find a character beating with potential and place it in the center of your story.<br />

The Brain of your story is the theme or central message. The theme is the big idea that controls everything else. Picture books are more than stories - they're tiny life lessons disguised with humor and heart.</p>
<p>But your theme needs to be:<br />
• Subtle enough not to trigger the dreaded "didactic" rejection<br />
• Clear enough for a four-year-old to grasp<br />
• Universal enough to speak to both kids and adults<br />
• Fresh enough to prevent agents and editors from responding with "Not another sharing/bedtime/first-day story!"</p>
<p>Check your other dead manuscripts to see if there is a recurring theme, something that really seems to be speaking to you. Find the bit of poetry you scribbled on the back of a receipt to see what theme inspired it. Reread the pep talk you texted your critique partner at 1am. Pick the theme that will drive your story, giving it purpose, direction, and deeper meaning.<br />

The Legs of your story is the plot. Not to be confused with a grave plot.🤪 The plot is what keeps everything upright and moving, as well as providing support for all the other elements. You have very few words to use in a picture book, so you need to do a lot with each plot point.</p>
<p>In general, your plot should:<br />
• Hook readers fast<br />
• Build tension that a child can follow<br />
• Create page turns that feel natural<br />
• Wrap up in a way that satisfies</p>
<p>You can borrow a plot twist (a leg) from one manuscript and the opening (the other leg) from a different manuscript. Consider if the subplot of the middle grade novel you trunked would work better as a picture book. Or maybe your Facebook post about a disastrous camping trip could become a story for kids. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other until you have your storyline.

The Arms of your story are the side characters.

The Torso of your story is the setting. Setting helps a story breathe and connects all the elements of the story. It isn't just where your story lives, it's what makes your story ALIVE. It's the difference between "this happened in a park" and "this happened in that park, the one with the twisty slide that burns your legs and the creaky swing that sounds like a baby crying.”</p>
<p>Your setting should:<br />
• Make your character's world feel real<br />
• Contain your story in a way that makes sense to young readers<br />
• Connect different scenes and moments organically<br />
• Give your illustrator enough room to add visual subplots</p>
<p>Half-finished manuscripts are a great place to dig up settings, since you worked out the place details before the plot petered out. Or maybe you had to cut a second fantastic location from your chapter book. You can also revisit the detailed caption from your Instagram carousel documenting your tour of that delish candy shop. Disinter a robust setting that can house all of your story's vital organs.

After you press the Click When Done circle button, the lights flash with the sound of electricity buzzing. Then the screen goes black and lightning zaps across the screen with the sound of thunder.

The screen then lights up to show the storage room, and all the Frankenstein pieces have been assembled into the whole monster. An upbeat song plays in the background. Then a speech bubble pops up with the words, “I’m alive! I’M ALIVE!” Then the screen goes to black.

Dog holding a sign that says Pupdates!

Sign up for our newsletter for pupdates and publishing advice